


Clashing Marks

by lighthouse_at_sea



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Consensual Sex, Crying, Julian has some self-worth issues, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, breakdown - Freeform, but all consensual, but they're not soulmates, consent is revoked, just to be contrary, previous bad sexual experiences, so they stop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:41:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26500798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lighthouse_at_sea/pseuds/lighthouse_at_sea
Summary: The 2360 Federation census states that 0.03% of the population is comprised of separated soulmates.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 36
Kudos: 100





	Clashing Marks

**Author's Note:**

> I have read many fantastic soulmate and soulmark fics. But they sometimes make me a bit sad because the characters can't choose their own destinies and decide who they love and I've always pictured there being a huge stigma if you split up with your soulmate and I wanted to explore that. Unfortunately in the process I had to hurt Julian. I am so sorry.
> 
> Soulmarks in this universe:
> 
> Soulmarks start off as stagnant (dormant) colors and when soulmates meet, the colors become active and swirl around. This only stops if your soulmate dies, at which point the marks become still again and turn black/grey which can be described as burned or dead marks.
> 
> Different species have marks in different places. Cardassians have them along their neck ridges and humans have them on their hands. Trills can have them anywhere along their spots.

Julian knew he came on too strong. He knew what people thought when they saw the swirling, colorful marks tracking across the lines of his palm and twining along nimble digits.

There was always that initial spark of confusion whenever he actually worked up the courage to make a move. Their eyes darted down to his fidgeting hands back up to his pasted smile. Some looked outward across the crowded bar, as if his mate would swoop in to pick him up and take him out of their hair.

He had first thought dating would become easier. It wasn't like his partner would have to worry he'd meet his soulmate one day at the supermarket and topple everything they had built.

But he saw a different story in their eyes. Flitting looks of disgust, sometimes anger. Selfish. Greedy. A failure of a partner who couldn't even keep his _soulmate_. And when it was put that way, he couldn't find it in himself to be disagree. Who would want someone like that?

"Was it something I said?" he tried to laugh to Quark as the bartender wordlessly poured him a glass, another potential partner already disappearing back into the crowd.

Of course, there was the other end of the spectrum. Those that leaned in closer, eyes suddenly laden with lust when he gave his practiced explanation. No matter how polite and reassuring in the dim hallways, those nights inevitably ended the same. Whether being pounded into or harshly ridden, he couldn't do much more than chase after every biting kiss and relish in every stroke just on the wrong side of too tight.

Some reveled in his hands, licking their way across his fingers and moaning around them.

_And didn't they feel so good? Better than that slut he had waiting at home?_

It was its own twisted genre of fantasy he had found out, the idea of being with a bonded soulmate, their partner none the wiser.

But whether staring up at his ceiling alone in a disheveled bed or down at a grimy bar table, he knew the blame didn't lie with them. He wasn't their soulmate, and he didn't have the carefree luxury of being unmatched.

A quiet night's stroll around campus. Carefully weaving around the dressed up dancers and their family and friends as they came streaming out of a building. In such close quarters, brushing up against people was inevitable.

A gasp behind him, followed by a light grip on his arm. He remembered the ripple of gasps throughout the crowd, followed by claps and cries of delight. He had felt mostly shock.

But her eyes were kind and full of awe when they met, and he managed to stutter out a simple 'hello'. 

Oh they were in love! They went on dates all over the city, using up their transport credits to hop across the coast at midnight. Palis never got tired of what he had to say, and he couldn't be happier to hear about her own thoughts and hopes and dreams.

But without his notice, his heart began to sway. Not to someone else, but to the stars just overhead. As he hurdled towards graduation, they had never felt so within his reach.

But they had never beckoned Palis in the same way. To Palis, Earth was her home, where her loving mother and father were. Her career and her friends and her life. To him, it was full of ghosts.

With his Academy days behind him, Palis was all that kept him in the planet's orbit.

Neither had wanted to give the other an ultimatum, but their relationship had turned into a stalemate, each none-too-secretly wishing the other would change their mind. Maybe it was his "superior ambition" that had made him want more than just Palis. Another thing to blame his parents on. _Maybe, if he were still Jules…_ Sometimes thoughts like that kept him up all night.

The engagement had been a last-ditch effort and they had both known it. But her proposal had been so lovely and when it had come, he said yes. He shouldn't have said yes. It just made it all the worse when he called it off, breaking down in her arms and saying he couldn't. He loved her, but he couldn't stay.

He accepted his commission in between canceling the catering and the flowers.

Palis stayed at a friend's house while he packed his things.

Fielding the calls from his parents had been expected, but the realization that he had to do the same for his friends hung heavy in his heart. Unwanted advice echoed in from all sides, telling him to go back to Palis, that the two would work it out. Why was he denying himself this connection?

Without friends, or family, or a fiancée, he made his way to the shuttle station, his uniform stiff across his shoulders.

The ride to the station was spent lost in thought. Not even the lovely Trill beside him dragged him far from his mind, stuck on running over and over soulmate statistics and first-hand accounts of life as a separated soulmate. The 2360 Federation census stated that 0.03% of the population was comprised of separated soulmates. Just another thing that drew attention to himself when that was the last thing he needed.

Deep Space Nine was nothing like he had expected, but everything he had ever wanted. He had new cases and faithful staff and an endless expanse of space at the other side of any viewport. And here, he had made new friends. Jadzia, Garak, and he was sure Miles was coming around. More often than not, he could wake up and simply smile.

But hands were hard things to ignore. The colors and patterns popped out at him when they weren't covered by red surgical gloves or the cover of darkness. They caught his eye in breaks between paperwork and during silent dinners in his quarters.

Some nights, he curled up against Kukalaka and reread _Despite Our Marks_. It was fifty years old, tropy and terrible and a total flop on the market. But the lead had left her soulmate because he was a cruel man, and she found love again on her travels with a man whose mate hadn't believed in marks. And they were happy and nothing bad happened to them and they had vanilla sex in a train car.

Despite everything his marks stood for, the sight of them could still make him smile; objectively, they were beautiful - the mixture of colors and ever-shifting patterns were as intriguing as an errant protein sequence. He was better able to appreciate them now than three years ago, as the memories of Palis had slowly shifted to bittersweet rather than sad.

But even if he had made peace with them, that didn't mean others had.

Jadzia understood better than most. Joined Trills carried the marks of their past lives, and while most of hers had turned somber and still, two still swirled along merrily. She had wistfully explained that they belonged to the Symbionts Khan and Mazi, who continued to live on in different hosts of their own. Due to the taboo of Reassociation, Jadzia could only hope to awaken her own dormant mark, forbidden from returning to loves forged long ago. People looked past Jadzia's active marks because of the intricacies of her culture, but Julian was not awarded the same leniency.

He had yet to wrap his mind around the seemingly contradictory view Cardassian culture held on soulmates, at least in their literature. For every dutiful family, always comprised of a bonded pair, there was the heroic Cardassian who turned in their mate for the good of the Union.

Truthfully, he was still reeling from the moment when Senna Reval had sentenced her soulmate to execution for funneling resources away from their city's impoverished outskirts. A whole chapter was spent on the city admiring her and her darkened ridges where her marks had once swirled.

Garak's ridge marks were dormant. Julian wondered who his soulmate was. He wondered if they were waiting for his friend back on Cardassian soil.

Garak, of course, had asked him about his own soulmate. Julian had squirmed and his lips had twisted, muttering into his soup that they were not together anymore. Garak tilted his head and his eye ridges set in an inquisitive slant, and then he nodded and hummed, politely moving on to tell him about the latest Klingon fashion trends.

Not once since then had Garak asked about his soulmate, nor did he treat him differently for yet another way Julian couldn't fit in with his peers, and Julian was grateful for it. Miles certainly made things hard for both himself and Julian whenever the topic was brought up.

*

Julian ended up in Garak's quarters one lazy afternoon and he was giddy with excitement over being able to spend just a bit more time with his friend. Their days off had lined up for once and Garak had invited him over with the promise of a warm meal and a discussion as long as they wanted, barring a medical emergency.

Cardassian food was certainly an acquired taste, but the company was good and his combadge remained blissfully silent as their conversation spooled out, weaving around different points and circling back to others in a chaotic dance only they knew.

In the hot and humid quarters, Julian could feel the sweat pooling at his brow and less savory places, but on Garak, the temperature made him positively glow. His scaly skin was brighter and probably softer, and even his hair seemed to take on a brighter sheen.

In short, he was gorgeous and full of life, and Julian was thankful his blush would be mistaken for just another shade of a human a tad too hot.

Truly, his feelings for Garak has snuck up on him. The lunches, the long discussions where their arguments flew back and forth like the most exhilarating game of tennis, the little gifts Garak would casually hand him, and the ones he would spend hours agonizing over to give in return.

He had never felt this way for a friend before. He was the type to fall fast and hard, asking someone out coming only a few steps after learning their name. While it had arguably taken him nearly three years to learn _Elim's_ name, he had somehow forgotten to make any sort of move in those early days, and by time he realized what the too-much feeling in his chest was whenever he saw his friend, Garak was already the closest person in his life.

More than once Julian had caught himself idly imagining a world where Garak's ridges had flared to life when he first put his hands on Julian's shoulders in the Replimat, Julian's hands doing the same.

But maybe he would have messed that up too.

Julian's mood soured minutely, and he pushed aside the thoughts. What mattered now was losing himself in Garak's self-important voice as he went on and on about the meaning behind the secretary's speech in _Countless Moons_.

The view outside was perpetually the darkness of space, so it was a surprise when Julian noticed the time on his PADD as he furiously scrolled around, trying to find _just_ the right passage to prove that Gul Yetral had had a hand in his brother's cargo smuggling ring.

He stopped scrolling and looked up nervously at Garak. Had he accidentally missed the signs that his friend had wanted him out three hours ago?

"I hadn't realized how late it was. Did you want me to get out of your hair?" He tried to aim for casual and not pitiful.

Garak looked up at him with wide eyes. "On the contrary, I was very much enjoying our discussion. But I understand, a young thing like you must be bored to death listening to me prattle on." He shook his head and tsked, pouting over his PADD.

Julian's worries dissolved and he basked in the lovely sight of his friend being his usual, dramatic self.

"Oh, do we want to make this a sleepover? Because I can go all night, you old lizard."

Garak froze and blinked, his mouth opening up the barest amount. Julian's eyes widened in turn, realizing just then how flirtatious that had come out. He opened his own mouth and let out a few mangled noises, mind racing to figure out how exactly he was going to talk his way out of this one.

"I... would not be opposed to you spending the night."

His mouth would still not form words right, but now even more so. He eventually just clamped his lips together and desperately stared at his friend, suddenly so close despite neither of them having moved from their respective spots on the sofa.

Garak wet his lips and tried again, his roundabout way of talking thrown to the wayside for once. 

"I would not be opposed to you spending the night in my bed. With me."

Julian finally found his words, even if they weren't particularly graceful, nodding along much too hard.

*

The bed was firm beneath his back, and he was pressed down further into it with Garak's warm weight above him.

It was perfect. Garak took his time on every inch of him, and he could have cried with how wonderful it felt to be appreciated like this.

He kissed Garak for much too long before their clothes even began to come off. Garak cupped the back of his neck and didn't seem to mind. When Julian finally began to pull away, it was only to tug at Garak's shirt, letting Garak be the one to unclip all the hidden fastenings while he devested himself of his uniform. In the heavy heat, it was a relief to expose his skin.

He let Garak take the lead, because sex wasn't something he was good at. His previous partners certainly had complaints.

Julian enjoyed getting to taste Garak. He perched at the end of the bed where Garak sat, swirling his tongue along the ridged slit, cataloging the alien texture and warm, thick scent. But after he everted, he only got in a few bobs before Garak was pulling him up to join him on the bed. Garak's length rubbed against his own and he kissed Julian and rutted against him. It felt divine, especially when Julian opened his legs and let Garak rub between his cheeks, every now and then pushing just enough against his hole that he was vibrating for more.

As much as he wanted Garak to sink into him right that second, he did not want the shame of having to ask Nurse Jabara to treat him for that particular injury again.

Instead, Garak was patient and thorough as Julian walked him through prepping him properly. They talked a bit and kissed a lot, and Garak reassured him multiple times that he wanted Julian safe and comfortable. Julian brushed aside how long it had been since anyone had bothered to make sure he was doing alright at any stage of sex, let alone foreplay.

_Finally,_ Garak pushed in, and Julian forgot about everything beyond the man above him. The rhythm that Garak set was hard but not harsh, and he smiled down at Julian and called him beautiful and perfect and that he took him so well.

In return, Julian let out an almost constant litany of sounds, moans and pants and whimpers.

His eyes traced over the beautiful sight above him, Garak's perfect hair now ruffled and curled from the humidity and Julian's ministrations, stray locks brushing against his graceful neck. In the dim light, he could just make out the colors along Garak's neck ridges, the darkness giving the brilliant blues an other-worldly aura.

He turned his gaze elsewhere. Garak gave a particularly hard thrust and he grunted; he had accidentally thrown himself off the pace they had set, and he struggled to slip back in. Thankfully, Garak didn't seem to notice.

But now he couldn't seem to ignore the dormant marks. Garak was here with him, when someone else out there would love Garak better than he ever could.

Garak pressed down on him for a searing kiss, harder than previous ones. Wasn't it? Or did it just seem like Garak's grasp on his arms was tightening, his thrusts becoming harder? He could take it, of course, his strength and tolerance pushed just a bit more past what a human should be capable of.

He sucked in a breath. Then another.

What if this was just sex for Garak? Actually, why _wouldn't_ this be just sex? They weren't dating. Garak had propositioned him, and he had said yes. After this, they would go right back to normal. At best, Garak would ask for sex again. And again, because what else was Julian good for? And Julian would keep saying yes, because Garak was the best thing to happen to him on Deep Space Nine.

"Are you alright, my dear?"

Julian shocked himself when he heard a whispered _no_ leave his lips. Why had he said that? He was ruining the impossible chance he had been given to be with Garak for however long it took for him to find his soulmate. Ha, as if Garak wouldn't get tired of him before then, especially if he was going to act like this.

Garak froze. That was bad. Garak pulled out, and that was worse.

Now he was just lying there in Garak's bed while the Cardassian looked at him in horror. Julian scrambled up to lean against the headboard, curling his arms around his drawn-up legs. He wanted time to stop so he never had to deal with whatever Garak was going to say to him now, let him know how he had managed to ruin everything so quickly. He wanted Kukalaka.

"Julian. _Julian._ "

A hand pressed against his arm. Julian could feel it, but didn't know how to respond, so he just sat there, staring at nothing.

He felt Garak get up, heard him leave. He rocked slightly. He didn't know what else to do.

Something soft draped over him.

"It's a robe. You don't have to put it on, but I assumed you would like to be covered."

Julian didn't move to put it on. He just tried to breathe, because it was getting harder as his throat closed up, tears pricking at his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Doctor. I… I cannot tell what you want. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

He felt Garak's weight sink onto the bed, but Garak did not move to touch him again.

He needed to say _something_. Anything at all.

His voice was brittle. Near the precipice of being overwhelmed. "I... I don't want to lose you, Garak."

Garak rushed out his next words, quiet but earnest. "If sex is not something you want, that's okay. I would never force you into anything. I am deeply sorry if you felt you needed to do this for my sake. I simply… I've seen you leave the bar with people before… I apologize for making assumptions."

No, Julian wasn't saying this right. He glanced over to Garak. His friend, also dressed in a pale robe, looked so sad.

His voice tightened more. "It's not that. The sex was… good. Great."

Garak let out a strangled laugh. "You must admit, the evidence appears a bit contrary."

Yes, he supposed it did. He dug his fingers into the meat of his arms.

"What is this, Garak?"

A beat. "Truthfully, I was hoping that this could be something beyond tonight."

The words sounded sincere. He could accept them and be done with it. It was all he could hope for, after all.

But he knew himself, he knew how quickly false hope could take root, and if that happened, it would just make it all that much harder when the day inevitably came when Garak would leave him. Better to burn it all down now.

"It's not how many days or weeks or even years... Your marks..."

"Ah..." Garak's hand went up, nearly caressing the dormant colors along his ridges.

"I'm not them." Julian's voice was becoming more and more erratic, he rocked against the headboard, trying to ground himself with every dull blow. "One day you're going to get tired of me. I'm no good at this anymore. I'm broken, I drive people away."

He unclasped one arm from his body and thrust it out from under the robe, swirling colors clear for Garak to see.

Garak reached out slowly to Julian, so he could move away if the contact wasn't wanted. Julian let Garak's hand curl around his own. Garak moved closer.

"You are not broken. No one knows how these marks form and yet we have built religions out of them, let them dictate our entire lives. In fact, I am proud of how brave you were to follow your own heart instead of a few pigments of color."

"And what about your own _pigments of color_?" Julian mocked, voice high pitched and choking on tears.

"Maybe I would love them. But these marks don't control our minds, they have no impact on our thoughts or actions. I swear, I will be loyal to you until the day you do not want me anymore."

Julian shook his head, desperate to continue pushing words out. "No, you don't know that. You don't want me. You want them."

Garak squeezed his hand.

" _Julian._

I want you."

Julian could not hold back any longer. He fell to rest against Garak's shoulder, still shaking his head against the possibility that Garak actually meant what he said.

Julian knew he was an ugly crier. Tears everywhere, snot getting on Garak's lovely robe. High pitched whines when he tried to speak. Garak rubbed his back and Julian clutched on even tighter, turning to more fully lean into Garak. Garak somehow pressed a cloth handkerchief into his free hand, but Julian couldn't hold it very tightly, pressing it against his face in a pitiful effort to not make a worse mess of himself than he was already.

He couldn't see through the teary fractals of light, but he could feel Garak around him, a solid presence holding him together.

His whines turned to jagged breaths and his limbs ached as they released from how tightly wound he had been. Garak continued to run circles into his back, their legs tangled together.

"My dear doctor, I hate to see you in so much pain," Garak said softly, stroking his hair. "I understand if you do not believe me. I have been known to tell the occasional lie."

Julian barked out a laugh.

"But I am sincere about this. I do not want some hypothetical ideal person. You are the one I hold most dear in my heart and I have come to feel... deeply about you."

Most of his weight was already on his friend, so he stayed put as his tears slowly stemmed.

Julian was calm enough now to process the facts laid before him. He tried to ignore how the statistics from previous experiences stacked against him, telling him to not believe for a second that something like this could happen to someone like him. Garak did not move or push him for an answer. He thought long enough for his tears to dry tacky on his cheeks. He breathed in deep, meditative breaths.

When he pulled himself away from his friend, he searched the Cardassian's gaze. Julian wasn't the best at figuring out the intricacies of some of the expressions people wore, but he recognized the resolve behind those pale, blue eyes.

Julian wetted his lips and tasted salt.

"I believe you," he said in a careful, measured tone.

Garak brought a hand up to Julian's face, wiping a stray tear off his cheek.

"Thank you," Garak said quietly, reverently.

Julian chuckled morosely and wilted, tilting his head to rest even more in Garak's hand. "I believe you, but what do you want from me?"

Garak looked sad again. He traced his eyes along Julian's face. "I don't want anything you're not willing to give."

"I would give you anything," Julian said plainly.

"Federation secrets?"

Julian's face twisted. "No. You know what I mean."

"I don't want you pushing yourself like this."

Julian pulled himself away from the warm hand and frowned down at his own. "I didn't mean to freak out like that. I _had_ wanted sex. I want everything you would give me," he muttered.

"Ah. Well then, like you, my dear. I would give you everything I am capable of."

Garak's eyes stopped roving and met his own, a soft smile on his lips. Hesitantly, the man spoke. "I would like to help clean you up, if you would allow."

Julian grimaced. It was true, he probably looked a fright. He was sticky and sweaty and being taken care was all he wanted at that moment.

Garak was quick to return with a few damp cloths after Julian acquiesced. Julian's robe fell from his shoulders and Garak wiped the sweat and lubricant off his body while Julian scrubbed at his face and hair.

When they were done and Garak disposed of the cloths, they sat together quietly. Julian finally wrapped himself properly in the robe.

"Would you like to spend the night here? To sleep."

Julian glanced over to him. "Are you sure?"

"I would love to have you in my arms tonight and every night after. But only if that is what you wish as well."

Something bright fluttered to life in Julian's chest. A tiny flame that needed to be watched over and cared for, lest it flicker out. This whole situation felt so surreal from start to finish. But at the moment, Garak lying about something like this suddenly seemed impossible. Something about his voice, maybe something in his eyes. They could always talk more in the morning.

"Okay."

They carefully came together, side by side on the slim mattress. Julian hadn't spent the night in someone's bed in years. It felt nice, to have such a solid weight next to himself.

It was a calm night, the quarters only lit by soft starlight. He breathed in and out.

"Garak, if you met your soulmate…" Julian asked quietly to the darkness, not even sure if Garak was still awake.

"They would not be you, my dear."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!!! Please ask to tag if needed.
> 
> This fic was in a pretty different style of writing than I use normally. Did it work out okay?
> 
> Wow, this is my first published fic with a mature rating... I know it was only about half a sex scene, and it didn't go so well... but I hope it wasn't too awkward.
> 
> I'd also love to hear your thoughts on soulmate fics in general, I'm curious how other people feel about them.


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